Fun Stuff

Keep Cruising with You All Through the Year…

Let’s all agree on one thing – cruise ships are pretty awesome.

Sure, the boats are ridiculously tall and there’s always that underlying fear of your ship being the victim of an overly-amorous killer whale, but it’s hard to deny the appeal of endless buffets and ever-flowing margaritas on a floating paradise where the staff is eager to wait on you hand and foot!

The truth is, I just got back from a week-long cruise around the Caribbean and just between you and me, I kind of wish that I was back there right now.

All of the excursions and things to do, the delicious meals and indulgent drinks, the relaxing calm of the waves ever so gently tossing your 200,000-ton boat back and forth … if only there was a way to keep some of those cruising feelings alive back at home – now that would be something, wouldn’t it?!

A few years ago after I went on my very first cruise, I found myself with a similar yearning for that simpler cruise ship life back home, so I wrote a humor column called Bringing the Boat Back Home… in which I shared a few “creative ideas” for turning your own home into a cruise ship of its own right! It was a lot of fun to write, particularly in imagining “hiring a crane operator to rock the house back and forth ever so gently in a calm and relaxing manner!”

And so it seemed only fair that I continue this fun list of home improvement upgrades after returning back to suburbia after my latest boat-based adventure because quite frankly, I’ve only been away for three days and already I could really use a piña colada and an afternoon of watching the waves instead of this whole “work thing” that was waiting for me the moment I set foot back on dry land… 😉

  • Build a carousel in the backyard, and a rock climbing wall, and an ice skating rink, and 17 hot tubs … because these cruise ships keep getting bigger and we’ve got to keep up!
  • Fill the patio with a dozen deck chairs, but reserve them all with towels so that nobody can ever use them.
  • Lobster in the morning, lobster in the evening, lobster at supper time…
  • Be nice to service industry workers who do things for you for money. This isn’t a funny one – it’s just the right thing to do! 😉
  • Distribute a daily newspaper filled with all of the exciting things scheduled to happen around the house the next day, even if those things are limited to taking out the trash and that overdue dentist appointment you’ve been putting off for three months…
  • Unplug the Internet router from time to time, or at least institute a $19.95 a day access fee. Sometimes no news about politics can be the best news about politics. 
  • Design a safe and entertaining space to drop off the kids for a few hours when Mom & Dad just need a little quiet time. (note: role currently held by the TV)
  • If I can’t flood the backyard to simulate the surrounding ocean like I proposed last time, maybe we compromise with a birdbath and a miniature wave machine outside my bedroom window?
  • Hire a girl wearing a neon pink blazer to hang out in my foyer and harass me about buying watches and diamond tennis bracelets at up to 50% off retail prices every single time I walk by.
  • Find yourself a waiter who brings you food before you even ask for it and never let him go!

Remember, if you don’t have fun cruising, you’re either not trying or you’re the guy who has to scrape the barnacles off the bottom of the ship!

Happy house sailing… 😀